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Cindy's space"Alone in a world of 6 billion, I was feeling my soul rust..." |
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June 23 I spent sometimeWith a 3 week old baby yesterday, (my friend Jenny's little guy) He had just spent a week in the hospital for heart and breathing issues, so I was a little nervous (panicky) when I was first holding him, asking Jenny if was OK for every little twitch of hiccup he also has acid reflux and sleep apnea, so for the first 20 minutes I was quite tense.....Jenny even said "It's not like you to be so nervous."
I said 'I know! But it's been a long time since I looked after a baby with.... Issues." She said "Yeah he does have those alright..LOL!"
But I settled down and so did he and we had some good cuddle/bonding time.
Jenny apologised for cleaning while I visited, I told her not to worry about it, I know she was going crazy not being able to get her housework done the way she wanted it done, Jenny is an extreme neat freak so not being able to do a full deep clean everyday has been making her panic. She also has a whirl wind of a 3 year old, and a 13 year old and a hubby (that works during the day.) So to say she has her hands full is a gross understatement. I felt horrible that I hadn't moved closer when we first talked about it, but with everything going on at the time, just couldn't make the move.
So anyway, yesterday we both got what we needed.
I got baby time (It did my soul more good than I can tell you.)
And she got her cleaning in, which was good for her state of mind.
My sister was the one to come out and get me, she had a little visit with the baby then she wen home for a while and came back when I called, when we were driving back to hr house we saw a Co-op.... The best way I can describe it is 1950's style bungalow or an old fashioned motor inn....That really doesn't do it justice...It was adorable!
We couldn't find it on line so my sister is going to go back and get an application for me....We'll see what happens.
Well I'm off for now, have a great day all! June 21 My DaddyI wrote these a couple of years ago.....And tell you how I really feel.My DadWhen I was writing yesterday about "faces", I wanted to continue and talk about my Dad, in 12 days it will be the 8th anniversary of his death, but this isn't about that.
My father was a good exsample of how different people can see the same person, but a different face.
In his life he had 9 woman that he dealt with:
1 Mother
2 sisters
1 ex wife (mother of 2 children)
1 ex girlfriend (mother of 1 child-me)
1 Wife (now widow)
I know there were other girlfriends, but these are the ones I can speak about, yeah my Dad was a player and more then likely the reason I think monogamy is a joke, no disrespect intended my father would freely admit his player statis.
To his mother he was the first born, the good son, a handfull in his teenage years, but still the one that could do no wrong.
To his sisters, the big brother, the one to be tested, defied, respected and relied apon.
The ex wife, I never heard her say a bad word about him and they did remain friends, but she did leave him for a woman, went to the hospital to have their second child, and never came home (to him anyway.)
The ex girlfriend, again my mother never said anything against him but the stories of her "woman scorned" act are epic, the worst being: On the day he was to marry my step-mother, she (my mother) called the police and told them that my father was holding a church full of people hostage.
This story was told to me by my step-mother so I don't know how true it really is, but then again my mother IS a real piece of work......lol.
And she does admit to taking a butcher knife to all his clothes and throwing them on the front lawn......or was that her first husband? I'll have to ask her and let you know later
To his oldest daughter he was the Daddy that left and she never forgave him, no matter what he did to try and make up for it.
To the second child he was just the sperm donor, the father that was dead long before he really was.
The wife (widow) to her he was husband, bread winner, dreamer pain in the ass cheater she would never leave. She also never said anything bad about him, that is until after he died anyway.
Then there is me, The Baby, to me he was Daddy the one who was always there for me no matter what. He was my protector, my sounding board, and once in a while my punching bag (metaphoricly speaking that is). He is/was the only person that ever said he was proud of me, most of all he was my friend.
Not to say that we didn't have our problems, we did thankfully we work them out and had a good 10 years to get to know eachother.
For the longest time I was angry with my father for lying to me about why he was going into the hospital, he told me it was for a hernia operation when in fact it was for cancer, which I didn't know about until after he was in a comma.
For the longest time I didn't understand why he couldn't just tell me what was really going on and prepare me for what was to come.
But now I think I understand.
As T. has gotten older , and I have had to go for more tests and hospital visits it's getting harder and harder to alleviate her fears and assure her that I'll be alright. I really don't know how I would handle having to tell her that something was seriously wrong
To tell the truth I have no idea why I thought about this today, but I woke up thinking about my Dad and the last time I saw him alive and walking around.
It is sort of a funny story:
I was picking up my daughter from her baby sitter's after a day from hell at collage trying to wrap my brain around business math, I was taking business classes so I could help run the office of the truck driving school my Dad wanted to open up.
As I was walking in the house I heard a male voice and was about to give my sitter shit for having some strange guy in the house while she was looking after my kid as well as a couple other little ones, I turn the corner into the living room I find that it's not some stranger the kids are crawling all over but my Dad....lol!
The funny part of this is , my mother and I drove right past my Dad's van with my step mother sitting inside and didn't even notice!....LOL!
What a nice surprise! I hadn't seen him in a couple of months and I was so happy to see him.
I said . "Daddy! What are you doing here?"
Yes I was 29 at the time and still called him Daddy, and as a matter of fact I still sat in his lap once in a while, (I miss that.), when it came to my Dad I never really grew up, I was and always will be his baby girl.
I asked where my step mother was.
He Said laughing, "Ummm dear, she's sitting in the van you had to walk by to get in the house." (my Dad had a great laugh.)
Meh, what can I say my head was full of numbers and spreadsheets...lol!
Anyway we all went out to dinner and he told me that he was going into the hospital in a couple of days and that it was nothing to worry about and that when he got out him and my step mother were going to go traveling and they would stop by again.
We had a wonderful dinner laughing at my daughter who was 6 years old at the time flirting with the waiter, and talking about the stuff we were going to do when my Dad recovered.
We had planned on T. and I moving up to Prince George.
3 weeks later my Dad was gone and I haven't been back to Prince George.
How different my life would be if he hadn't gotten sick.
My doesn't that sound selfish?
I have really been contemplative lately and when I get that way my Father is foremost in my mind....
Really there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him even after almost nine years, but when I'm feeling lost he is the only person I want to talk too.
He really was the only person that ever really got me...
Maybe because he was the only person I ever really allowed to know me.
My Dad,
He gave me,
Strength
Love
Understanding
A Stubborn nature
And a kick in the pants when needed.
This is what I wrote on Father's Day:
(it was as true on that day as it is today and everyday that is to come.)
I hope you enjoy the song.
It also has a literal meaning for me, for years I had "My Father's Chair".
It was the first peace furniture I had in my first apartment, it was the ONLY peace of furniture for about a week in that place...lol!
It was a red leather club chair that he pick up when the Langley Hotel renovated years and years ago, by the time I got it, it was about 15 or more years old.
When I moved into that apartment my Dad asked me if there was anything from his place I wanted, fully expecting (and wanting me) to ask for the sofa and love seat he had made years ago, so he could get it out of the basement.... :)
But I didn't want that..( that set was VERY uncomfortable!)
I wanted the chair that had sat at the head of the dinner table since I was a little girl....
The chair I sat on my Father's lap to practice my printing or have a story read too, the chair that my Father sat in all night holding me because I had a very high fever and was having nightmares....
I had that chair for ten years before it started to fall apart, you couldn't even sit in it anymore but I wouldn't give it up until one weekend after I had moved back in with my mother, I went away for the weekend and she decided that the chair had to go and she put it out for the spring clean up collection....
I got home and saw that is was gone...
I didn't talk to her for a week, I was SO mad!
I miss that chair.
Silly I know, but I do.
What is it of your parents, (still living or not) that you miss?
Have a great weekend all!
(((Hugs)))
Cindy
~edit~
After re-reading this I saw the typo I made of the word peace, it should be piece....but I like the image it goes with the song so I'm going to leave it as is.
In Honor of father's DayI first heard this song as a teenager and loved it I thought it was a sad sweet tribute, It wasn't until a few years later as an adult and I lost my own father did I really get it.
If I could get media player on here I would be playing it for you.
I would suggest finding it and giving it a listen....
It is haunting, beautiful and shows the true love a son has for his father.
Happy Father's Day!
To all Fathers. I know all your life you wondered About that step we all take alone How far does the spirit travel on the journey You must surely be near heaven And it thrills me to the bone To know daddy knows the great unknown... My Father's Chair still standing there
All alone since the long night Now it's three years on and I still feel He'll come home, we'll be alright So where's this healing time brings I was told the pain would ease But it still hurts like the first night That night my brother, my mother and I Were looking up at a distant star And wishing we could reach that far And back in the house And alone for the first time We told each other we cared And I avoided My Father's Chair I watch my family, we hold on We are strong and we'll be alright The clock continues counting down, all the while And every child will share the long night But do the spirits meet again Why am I still so filled with doubt Is my soul everlasting And the far distant future When I knew you'd be gone Came too fast and stays too long Why do they leave the weak of spirit And take the strong When the world turns sour And I get sick from the smell And I can't find no comfort there I climb into My Father's Chair Lyrics > Rick Springfield Lyrics > Rick Springfield ~April 24 1981/My Father's Chair Lyrics June 20 Saturday morningI don't have power right now, that means no lights (of course), no Internet, (pout) I'm doing this off line, it was caused by a bird flying in to the lines or at least that's what the hot line said, It also said that the power should be back on by 8 am (right now it is 7:50 am) I hope it come back soon, I NEED COFFEE! I really need to get myself a little camp stove for times like this....Especially for the summer time, then I could just go out in the back yard and fire the thing up......WOW! the power is back!..... I'll be back after I get coffee started. OK I'm back now, as I was saying I should get a camp stove, then I wouldn't care if the power was out because the only thing that really bothers me about the power being out is not having coffee. Surprisingly enough I am not hungover.... I should be but I'm not.
Coffee is ready....Have a great day! June 19 Friday nightI have been drinking..... A lot.
I spent almost 3 hours on the phone with Rick.... He had already had a drink and was just making dinner, so hw wasn't going to come out so we sat and yakked and drank together on the phone. When all I really wanted was to go out for a steak dinner.....
In the last couple of days ago I heard a great saying.......
The answer to someone saying "I want this or that." Is "And sinners want ice water in hell."
Iam going to try and stop saying "I want." If I can't get it then I don't need it.
Friday AfternoonI'm sitting here drinking Blueberry Vex..... It's 5 o'clock some where right?
I'm looking for blog topics.
I have NO life.
I'll be back if something happens. June 18 Just another dayI can't wait to start working.....
The first day I can I will be taking the boys to the water park, I found (when I had them before.) that was the best way to spend a day with them, the park we go to has the water, a play ground and a pool all in an area I can keep an eye on them easily... Although the last time I let Tessa ad the older one go in the pool they both ended up with a nasty tummy bug, so maybe the pool will be off limits.
The beach s another idea IF Tessa comes with us....I won't do the beach by myself with these boys.
I really need to think of things to do with them that don't cost too much... We can also go to McD's Play Place, but that ends up costing a bit ....We'll see what happens.
I hope everyone has a great day. June 16 TuesdayNot a lot is going on for me here at home, I'm watching the news right now.....I really shouldn't because everything upsets me.
Cougar and coyote attacks on a small child and a baby lamb, the child is fine but the lamb is gone, then there is the cost over runs for the Olympics.
No I don't support the games, not when schools are closeing and waiting lists for medical tests are so long people are dieing waiting to see a doctor..... In this economy there is no way that the money wasted will be recovered.
It maybe just me, but I see this as a dark time in history in so many facets life..... What a world our parents left us....And what a world we are leaving our kids.....The only hope I have is that our kids are more informed then we were. June 15 Monday...Friday was the last day of school for Tessa, and surprisingly enough, she will be able to graduate next year with the rest of her class, this is surprising because she barely went to class but when she went she did the work and did it well.
The thing is now she will have to REALLY work her ass off, her work load is going to be so much that even if she could find a part time job she won't have time for it, as far as I'm concerned that's OK as long as she buckles down and does what she needs to do it's all good.
You know?
Up until this last couple of years this single parenting gig was relatively easy for me, she was a pretty easy kid to deal with, we had our ups and downs but we made it through them with minimal scaring but, these last couple...... I really think are going to leave some lasting impressions, and not all of them good.
I know that while April was sick Tessa felt abandoned, I did the best I could to be there for both of them, but I know that I failed at times, I also know that it will take Tessa time to understand and forgive me for that......
What age is it that kids start seeing Moms as human and we make mistakes like everyone else?
I hope it's soon, I want MY Tessa back, not this moody alian that seems to hate me that is living n my house....I know she's still in there, I catch glimpses of her from time to time and I miss her. June 13 Today...Was a day for finding memories.
My sister came over to help clear out my outdoor storage shed, because I need a place to put all the garden tools she gave me and she needs a place to store some things as well... We are slowly getting my house looking as it should, it really did suffer this last year or so, things just getting shoved in a corner, box or drawer to be dealt with later, but more often then not forgotten.
But now because my sister and I have more time then sense on our hands we are working through this house room by room.
So today and we unearthed boxes I hadn't seen in a long time, I found a whole bag of cards and letters, a lot are from my Dad and April. I found an old sweater of my Dad's. I miss them both so much!
A photo album (I thought was lost in the black hole that is my mother's storage room.) that has all the pictures of Tessa's first 6 months and so many other things thought were gone for one reason or another, I'm happy to have them back.
Well it's late, good night. June 11 So my morning started out just freaking....FABULOUSE!!!!!! No coffee, fresh from the morning battle with Tessa, just cleaning up stressed out kitty puke. The last thing I needed at the moment was a rambling phone call from the mother of the boys I'm supposed to start watching in a couple of weeks, that she can't find a place to live in the area so I won't be getting the boys after....... GREAT, just flipp'in FANSTASTIC! I really don't want this job, but I NEED this job, so I took a deep breath before I went all white trash red neck on her for not giving me enough notice AGAIN, and a light bulb went off and I asked; "Do you have other daycare set up?" (no she did not.) "Have you transferred schools for both the boys?" (no she had not.) "Are you ready for the behaviour fall out that not only a move, but new schools will cause?" (She hadn't thought of that.) Was that last question self serving and a little unfair? Yeah, maybe a little. So sue me, like I said I NEED this job. Plus I KNOW these boys and I know they are going to be freaked about the move alone never mind new schools, most of all for the younger one because his big brother won't be just down the hall anymore. I pointed this out to the mother, again she hadn't thought of that..... Do you know how CRAZY that makes me? How can you NOT think of these things? But then again I am dealing with a mother in denial about her kids. As we were talking I asked how they were doing in school, the older one is doing summer school. (knew that) The younger one STILL doesn't talk to his teacher.....Oh but this is normal! (he's 9 yrs old) in grade 3 but still doing grade one work, because he won't speak. Is the mother getting him tested? No, because he talks just fine to her.... I now there is more to it than that but she's not telling me, because she knows I will push her to face reality, and make her get the boys the help they need, and once I have them she won't have the excuse of no time for appointments because I can and will take them. June 09 They survived.The cats survived the trip to the neighbour's they weren't happy but they made it. They are still sulking, by tomorrow they should be fine, I was telling my sister about it and we were laughing because they are so spoiled...LOL! Her 2 cats are just as spoiled, if not more so!
It should be interesting if and when they do the flooring in my house what the girls will be like after staying at my brother's for a couple of days.
Anyway, on Thursday or Friday the cleaning blitz continues with my sister coming over and helping. Hopefully we can get it all done and and another blitz won't be needed for a really long time.
On my blog walk I saw that a few of my friends A birthday and name thing, so I went and did it too, just to see, and I liked the name one. Here it is...
You entered: Cindy Dawn Ettinger
There are 17 letters in your name.
Your number is: 6 The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy. The expression or destiny for #6: The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships. If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much. Your Soul Urge number is: 11 A Soul Urge number of 11 means: If you possess the positive 11 Soul Urge traits, you have a dream of the perfect world; you are highly idealistic and inspirational. Your inner strength and devotion to your beliefs are extremely strong. You have a very good mind that is especially well equipped to handle the higher, more abstract forms of thought. If there is an excess of 11 energy in your makeup, you may possess some the negative 11 traits. There is a tendency for the 11 to produce considerable amounts of nervous tension which is bought on by a very high level of awareness. You may be too sensitive and overly emotional. In some cases, these sensitivities and emotions are quite repressed, and this tends to add even more to the sense of nervousness in the makeup. The strong 11 is not a very practical person because of the extreme idealism; often, there is a degree of self-deception present. There is usually a rather fixed idea of right and wrong held by those showing strong 11 traits, and with this very often is a resulting attitude of inflexibility. Your Inner Dream number is: 4 An Inner Dream number of 4 means: Well nowI have a very clean room, I just kept going and going.....I would finish one thing then I would see another thing to do and do it.
I had planned on taking a one day break and start on another room in the house and do the same thing. It doesn't matter that it takes me two days to do it, at least it's done and done well but...... Stupid idiot that I am, I returned a call from a board member and now instead of getting my relaxing day I have to power tidy the rest of the house and hide the cats and all thier junk while someone comes in and measures my floors.
~sigh~
My phone never rarly rings anymore.....And when it does more often then not when it does ring it means some kind of stress for me.
Oh well, I get to sleep in a nice clean room now. June 07 Once I get startedShit gets done!
I started out with just folding the clean clothes that have sat in baskets for ever and a day, then I decided that my bedroom closet needed cleaning out.....I have not cleaned it in a few years so it really needed doing, I have thrown out stuff I never thought I would. But I feel the purge is way over due.
I am by no means done with my room, I am only taking a dinner break and I'm getting back at it.
Have a good night all. June 06 Another boringSaturday..... At the old homestead. Tessa went swimming today for a few hours, she really enjoyed herself and I'm glad she is finally doing some exercise....With all the walking I have been dong and sort of watching what I eat I have lost 6 lbs in 2 weeks, not great but it's a start.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Be kind to eachother. June 05 FridayI'm so glad it's Friday and I won't have to do the morning battle for two whole days, I can't even tell you!
Then after next week there will be at least two weeks (I thought it was a month but it's not) of no battles, then summer school, which won't really be too bad because it starts later and is only down the street, and she seems to do better in summer school then the regular year....
Starting in July I will have one of the boys back part time then, in September it will be full time for both of them, the older one is old enough not to have a sitter but, he can't do his homework and watch is younger brother, plus being left on his own his homework won't get done.
The fact that she is willing to pay pretty much whatever I ask for (with in reason) worries me a bit, my first thought was, "Aww hell! what kind of damage do I have to fix?"
This is gong to be a challenge and a half!........I better stock up on hair dye....OIY!
I really don't want to take the boys back, but I need the job we can't keep going on like we have, it's just too hard. I'm so sick and tired of being so stressed out that I don't even want to get out of bed, today I had to cut my cable back and disconnect my Internet, thank god for nice neighbors with wireless!
Tessa got really upset about all the things I have been cutting back or completely taking away the cable and Internet are just the latest, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do right? And I think the things I'm cutting are things we really don't need right now. I would look after Gordon Campbell's (BC's Premier) grand kids, which for me is akin to the devil's spawn, and that only gives you a small idea of how stressed out I am. I know that all the stress won't go away, but having the money will help a little. I hope everyone has a great Friday.
See ya later! |
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