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Cindy's space"Alone in a world of 6 billion, I was feeling my soul rust..." |
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November 03 Nov 3I went and got the tickets..... WOW! Getting off the skytrain at the main st station was a bit a trip! I remember working at that StarBuck's when it was new....I wouldn't work there now if I was paid $20 an hour! (ok so maybe I would, but I would be scared all the time!) Maybe it was just the weather but MAN! was it grey and dingy and kind of seedy. I had to walk a short block to the rail station through a park like area that also had a bus loop, I sat on one of the benches to have a quick smoke, then be on my way.... I shouldn't have done that! I was there all of 2 minutes and was asked for a smoke 5 times. And then when I was done I stubbed the butt out ready to throw it in the container and this guy swoops in and says "Can I have that?" I dropped it and booted it for the train station as fast as my little feet could carry me. I get to the ticket counter and I wanted to change my reservations from over night round trip to one way tickets, the guy at the counter couldn't do that for me so I had to go and find a pay phone a call the train company and change it through them, then go back to the ticket counter. When I found a pay phone I went to use it and as I was looking in my bag for a pen I notice a man tucked in behind the row of phones sleeping....Scared the hell out of me! I found another bank of phones and used them No one had told me I needed to have both our pass ports to just buy the tickets! Good thing I was able to call Tessa and get the info that way. The ticket guy told me what time we are going to have to check in on the day we leave.....There is no way in hell Tessa and I are going to walk through that area at 5 in the morning! I don't care how much it's going to cost we are taking a cab! Our train leaves at 6:40 am and we get to Everette at 10:02am.....It will be a long day but it should be a fun trip. Ya know I used to be such a town rat..... But some where along the way I developed a suburban bubble....LOL! Yesterday was quite the trip, I came home showered, ate and fell into bed.... My poor, protected little brain and body just couldn't handle the "mean streets" like it used too. August 25 Tuesday2 more days til drool fest!
5 more days til friend fest! It's nice here today not too hot, some nice cloud cover so walking outside is nice. Tessa has the next 2 days off...She has today off as well, but it's almost over. She will be coming on Thursday as well, not that she wants too but she said she will come to look after grandma. The weather site says it will be nice on Thursday, so that will be nice to walk around the fair then watch a great show under the stars........ *sigh* August 09 This...Is the reason I am going to a 3rd show and about ready to sell my soul to go on the Fan cruise. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz-VBbuk8CA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Groj40W6cbo July 28 I don't postHere anymore, and I won't, unless some or all you 20 to 30 visitors give me topics to blog about.
 June 23 I spent sometimeWith a 3 week old baby yesterday, (my friend Jenny's little guy) He had just spent a week in the hospital for heart and breathing issues, so I was a little nervous (panicky) when I was first holding him, asking Jenny if was OK for every little twitch of hiccup he also has acid reflux and sleep apnea, so for the first 20 minutes I was quite tense.....Jenny even said "It's not like you to be so nervous."
I said 'I know! But it's been a long time since I looked after a baby with.... Issues." She said "Yeah he does have those alright..LOL!"
But I settled down and so did he and we had some good cuddle/bonding time.
Jenny apologised for cleaning while I visited, I told her not to worry about it, I know she was going crazy not being able to get her housework done the way she wanted it done, Jenny is an extreme neat freak so not being able to do a full deep clean everyday has been making her panic. She also has a whirl wind of a 3 year old, and a 13 year old and a hubby (that works during the day.) So to say she has her hands full is a gross understatement. I felt horrible that I hadn't moved closer when we first talked about it, but with everything going on at the time, just couldn't make the move.
So anyway, yesterday we both got what we needed.
I got baby time (It did my soul more good than I can tell you.)
And she got her cleaning in, which was good for her state of mind.
My sister was the one to come out and get me, she had a little visit with the baby then she wen home for a while and came back when I called, when we were driving back to hr house we saw a Co-op.... The best way I can describe it is 1950's style bungalow or an old fashioned motor inn....That really doesn't do it justice...It was adorable!
We couldn't find it on line so my sister is going to go back and get an application for me....We'll see what happens.
Well I'm off for now, have a great day all! June 21 My DaddyI wrote these a couple of years ago.....And tells you how I really feel.My DadWhen I was writing yesterday about "faces", I wanted to continue and talk about my Dad, in 12 days it will be the 8th anniversary of his death, but this isn't about that.
My father was a good exsample of how different people can see the same person, but a different face.
In his life he had 9 woman that he dealt with:
1 Mother
2 sisters
1 ex wife (mother of 2 children)
1 ex girlfriend (mother of 1 child-me)
1 Wife (now widow)
I know there were other girlfriends, but these are the ones I can speak about, yeah my Dad was a player and more then likely the reason I think monogamy is a joke, no disrespect intended my father would freely admit his player statis.
To his mother he was the first born, the good son, a handfull in his teenage years, but still the one that could do no wrong.
To his sisters, the big brother, the one to be tested, defied, respected and relied apon.
The ex wife, I never heard her say a bad word about him and they did remain friends, but she did leave him for a woman, went to the hospital to have their second child, and never came home (to him anyway.)
The ex girlfriend, again my mother never said anything against him but the stories of her "woman scorned" act are epic, the worst being: On the day he was to marry my step-mother, she (my mother) called the police and told them that my father was holding a church full of people hostage.
This story was told to me by my step-mother so I don't know how true it really is, but then again my mother IS a real piece of work......lol.
And she does admit to taking a butcher knife to all his clothes and throwing them on the front lawn......or was that her first husband? I'll have to ask her and let you know later
To his oldest daughter he was the Daddy that left and she never forgave him, no matter what he did to try and make up for it.
To the second child he was just the sperm donor, the father that was dead long before he really was.
The wife (widow) to her he was husband, bread winner, dreamer pain in the ass cheater she would never leave. She also never said anything bad about him, that is until after he died anyway.
Then there is me, The Baby, to me he was Daddy the one who was always there for me no matter what. He was my protector, my sounding board, and once in a while my punching bag (metaphoricly speaking that is). He is/was the only person that ever said he was proud of me, most of all he was my friend.
Not to say that we didn't have our problems, we did thankfully we work them out and had a good 10 years to get to know eachother.
For the longest time I was angry with my father for lying to me about why he was going into the hospital, he told me it was for a hernia operation when in fact it was for cancer, which I didn't know about until after he was in a comma.
For the longest time I didn't understand why he couldn't just tell me what was really going on and prepare me for what was to come.
But now I think I understand.
As T. has gotten older , and I have had to go for more tests and hospital visits it's getting harder and harder to alleviate her fears and assure her that I'll be alright. I really don't know how I would handle having to tell her that something was seriously wrong
To tell the truth I have no idea why I thought about this today, but I woke up thinking about my Dad and the last time I saw him alive and walking around.
It is sort of a funny story:
I was picking up my daughter from her baby sitter's after a day from hell at collage trying to wrap my brain around business math, I was taking business classes so I could help run the office of the truck driving school my Dad wanted to open up.
As I was walking in the house I heard a male voice and was about to give my sitter shit for having some strange guy in the house while she was looking after my kid as well as a couple other little ones, I turn the corner into the living room I find that it's not some stranger the kids are crawling all over but my Dad....lol!
The funny part of this is , my mother and I drove right past my Dad's van with my step mother sitting inside and didn't even notice!....LOL!
What a nice surprise! I hadn't seen him in a couple of months and I was so happy to see him.
I said . "Daddy! What are you doing here?"
Yes I was 29 at the time and still called him Daddy, and as a matter of fact I still sat in his lap once in a while, (I miss that.), when it came to my Dad I never really grew up, I was and always will be his baby girl.
I asked where my step mother was.
He Said laughing, "Ummm dear, she's sitting in the van you had to walk by to get in the house." (my Dad had a great laugh.)
Meh, what can I say my head was full of numbers and spreadsheets...lol!
Anyway we all went out to dinner and he told me that he was going into the hospital in a couple of days and that it was nothing to worry about and that when he got out him and my step mother were going to go traveling and they would stop by again.
We had a wonderful dinner laughing at my daughter who was 6 years old at the time flirting with the waiter, and talking about the stuff we were going to do when my Dad recovered.
We had planned on T. and I moving up to Prince George.
3 weeks later my Dad was gone and I haven't been back to Prince George.
How different my life would be if he hadn't gotten sick.
My doesn't that sound selfish?
I have really been contemplative lately and when I get that way my Father is foremost in my mind....
Really there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him even after almost nine years, but when I'm feeling lost he is the only person I want to talk too.
He really was the only person that ever really got me...
Maybe because he was the only person I ever really allowed to know me.
My Dad,
He gave me,
Strength
Love
Understanding
A Stubborn nature
And a kick in the pants when needed.
This is what I wrote on Father's Day:
(it was as true on that day as it is today and everyday that is to come.)
I hope you enjoy the song.
It also has a literal meaning for me, for years I had "My Father's Chair".
It was the first peace furniture I had in my first apartment, it was the ONLY peace of furniture for about a week in that place...lol!
It was a red leather club chair that he pick up when the Langley Hotel renovated years and years ago, by the time I got it, it was about 15 or more years old.
When I moved into that apartment my Dad asked me if there was anything from his place I wanted, fully expecting (and wanting me) to ask for the sofa and love seat he had made years ago, so he could get it out of the basement.... :)
But I didn't want that..( that set was VERY uncomfortable!)
I wanted the chair that had sat at the head of the dinner table since I was a little girl....
The chair I sat on my Father's lap to practice my printing or have a story read too, the chair that my Father sat in all night holding me because I had a very high fever and was having nightmares....
I had that chair for ten years before it started to fall apart, you couldn't even sit in it anymore but I wouldn't give it up until one weekend after I had moved back in with my mother, I went away for the weekend and she decided that the chair had to go and she put it out for the spring clean up collection....
I got home and saw that is was gone...
I didn't talk to her for a week, I was SO mad!
I miss that chair.
Silly I know, but I do.
What is it of your parents, (still living or not) that you miss?
Have a great weekend all!
(((Hugs)))
Cindy
~edit~
After re-reading this I saw the typo I made of the word peace, it should be piece....but I like the image it goes with the song so I'm going to leave it as is.
In Honor of father's DayI first heard this song as a teenager and loved it I thought it was a sad sweet tribute, It wasn't until a few years later as an adult and I lost my own father did I really get it.
If I could get media player on here I would be playing it for you.
I would suggest finding it and giving it a listen....
It is haunting, beautiful and shows the true love a son has for his father.
Happy Father's Day!
To all Fathers. I know all your life you wondered About that step we all take alone How far does the spirit travel on the journey You must surely be near heaven And it thrills me to the bone To know daddy knows the great unknown... My Father's Chair still standing there
All alone since the long night Now it's three years on and I still feel He'll come home, we'll be alright So where's this healing time brings I was told the pain would ease But it still hurts like the first night That night my brother, my mother and I Were looking up at a distant star And wishing we could reach that far And back in the house And alone for the first time We told each other we cared And I avoided My Father's Chair I watch my family, we hold on We are strong and we'll be alright The clock continues counting down, all the while And every child will share the long night But do the spirits meet again Why am I still so filled with doubt Is my soul everlasting And the far distant future When I knew you'd be gone Came too fast and stays too long Why do they leave the weak of spirit And take the strong When the world turns sour And I get sick from the smell And I can't find no comfort there I climb into My Father's Chair Lyrics > Rick Springfield Lyrics > Rick Springfield ~April 24 1981/My Father's Chair Lyrics June 20 Saturday morningI don't have power right now, that means no lights (of course), no Internet, (pout) I'm doing this off line, it was caused by a bird flying in to the lines or at least that's what the hot line said, It also said that the power should be back on by 8 am (right now it is 7:50 am) I hope it come back soon, I NEED COFFEE! I really need to get myself a little camp stove for times like this....Especially for the summer time, then I could just go out in the back yard and fire the thing up......WOW! the power is back!..... I'll be back after I get coffee started. OK I'm back now, as I was saying I should get a camp stove, then I wouldn't care if the power was out because the only thing that really bothers me about the power being out is not having coffee. Surprisingly enough I am not hungover.... I should be but I'm not.
Coffee is ready....Have a great day! June 19 Friday nightI have been drinking..... A lot.
I spent almost 3 hours on the phone with Rick.... He had already had a drink and was just making dinner, so hw wasn't going to come out so we sat and yakked and drank together on the phone. When all I really wanted was to go out for a steak dinner.....
In the last couple of days ago I heard a great saying.......
The answer to someone saying "I want this or that." Is "And sinners want ice water in hell."
Iam going to try and stop saying "I want." If I can't get it then I don't need it.
Friday AfternoonI'm sitting here drinking Blueberry Vex..... It's 5 o'clock some where right?
I'm looking for blog topics.
I have NO life.
I'll be back if something happens. June 18 Just another dayI can't wait to start working.....
The first day I can I will be taking the boys to the water park, I found (when I had them before.) that was the best way to spend a day with them, the park we go to has the water, a play ground and a pool all in an area I can keep an eye on them easily... Although the last time I let Tessa ad the older one go in the pool they both ended up with a nasty tummy bug, so maybe the pool will be off limits.
The beach s another idea IF Tessa comes with us....I won't do the beach by myself with these boys.
I really need to think of things to do with them that don't cost too much... We can also go to McD's Play Place, but that ends up costing a bit ....We'll see what happens.
I hope everyone has a great day. June 16 TuesdayNot a lot is going on for me here at home, I'm watching the news right now.....I really shouldn't because everything upsets me.
Cougar and coyote attacks on a small child and a baby lamb, the child is fine but the lamb is gone, then there is the cost over runs for the Olympics.
No I don't support the games, not when schools are closeing and waiting lists for medical tests are so long people are dieing waiting to see a doctor..... In this economy there is no way that the money wasted will be recovered.
It maybe just me, but I see this as a dark time in history in so many facets life..... What a world our parents left us....And what a world we are leaving our kids.....The only hope I have is that our kids are more informed then we were. June 15 Monday...Friday was the last day of school for Tessa, and surprisingly enough, she will be able to graduate next year with the rest of her class, this is surprising because she barely went to class but when she went she did the work and did it well.
The thing is now she will have to REALLY work her ass off, her work load is going to be so much that even if she could find a part time job she won't have time for it, as far as I'm concerned that's OK as long as she buckles down and does what she needs to do it's all good.
You know?
Up until this last couple of years this single parenting gig was relatively easy for me, she was a pretty easy kid to deal with, we had our ups and downs but we made it through them with minimal scaring but, these last couple...... I really think are going to leave some lasting impressions, and not all of them good.
I know that while April was sick Tessa felt abandoned, I did the best I could to be there for both of them, but I know that I failed at times, I also know that it will take Tessa time to understand and forgive me for that......
What age is it that kids start seeing Moms as human and we make mistakes like everyone else?
I hope it's soon, I want MY Tessa back, not this moody alian that seems to hate me that is living n my house....I know she's still in there, I catch glimpses of her from time to time and I miss her. June 13 Today...Was a day for finding memories.
My sister came over to help clear out my outdoor storage shed, because I need a place to put all the garden tools she gave me and she needs a place to store some things as well... We are slowly getting my house looking as it should, it really did suffer this last year or so, things just getting shoved in a corner, box or drawer to be dealt with later, but more often then not forgotten.
But now because my sister and I have more time then sense on our hands we are working through this house room by room.
So today and we unearthed boxes I hadn't seen in a long time, I found a whole bag of cards and letters, a lot are from my Dad and April. I found an old sweater of my Dad's. I miss them both so much!
A photo album (I thought was lost in the black hole that is my mother's storage room.) that has all the pictures of Tessa's first 6 months and so many other things thought were gone for one reason or another, I'm happy to have them back.
Well it's late, good night. |
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