PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT!

just not a good day.

I just got back from another long walk with the dog.....My hip is killing me, but I just can't seem to stay in the house and I know in the long run, once I start the chiroprator and physio the pain will lessen.

Twice tonight while I was out this creep on a bike tried to steal Ami. Once while I was in the 7 eleven getting a drink, but I saw him trying to  untie her through the window and went after him as soon as Ami saw me a heard me she started growing at him and as soon as he let her go she came right to me. I had left my bottle of pop om the counter unpaid for, and I told the clerk through the door to just put it back in the cooler but he said I could carry Ami in just this once, so I got my pop and I waited outside the store for a bit to make sure the guy wasn't around, then I started to walk home (At this time it was about 10:30) I also thought it best to take the main well lite street instead of the short cut, I maybe crazy but I'm not that crazy. Anyway I was walking and about half way home the same creep on his bike rides past me and makes a grab for the leash!

It's a good thing Ami HATES bikes of any kind and scooted behind me and I took a swing at him with my cane he didn't get a hold of the leash, he rode away swearing and calling me names because he almost fell off his bike, I wish he had, because I am in the mood to lay a beating on someone! Anyway, I continued on my way home, thinking it might be a good idea to stop at the coffee shop just a head and call Tessa to come and meet me, luckily someone I knew was out walking their dog so I walked the rest of the way with them. I'm glad I didn't have to find out if the creep would try a third time.

Well I guess if I'm in the mood for late night walks Ami and I will just have to settle for laps around the complex from now on.

 

 

 

A couple pics are up, have a look, if you'd like.

~later~

Getting the pictures and disk turned out not to be so hard after all, not when I found someone that actually knew what they were doing.....Turns out it was my fault, and it would have worked at the first place I went IF the pictures had been saved on the exturnal drive and not the inturnal....Yeah I'm an idiot!

The girl behind the counter at the second place I went figured it out pretty quick and fixed the problem without me even having to ask. I love when places hire people that actually know what they'er doing.

 

Good night.

F*cking, flipping crazy!

It seems lately that EVERYTHING I try to do is about 100 times harder than it should be..... Even something as straight forward as getting pictures off my phone is proving all but impossible.

It now involves going to 3 different stores, 1 I've already been too, and they were completely useless, christ! The person could barely speak English.... So I didn't even bother to ask for their photo lab to make a disk and I will pick it up the next day, so I'm going to another store where I'm sure they can do it and if they can't it is right next to the place I got my phone and I will yell at someone there.

 

Be back later to tell you how it went.

I went to bed at a decant time, didn't have a nap, which is really hard to do with the meds I take, but I did it. I was a little wonky, and loopy and by the time 9 o'clock came around I fell into bed and was sound asleep in minutes......Then I woke up about an hour ago..... ARRRGH!

I was really hoping I would sleep through the night, I believe a big part of the depression I'm going through has to do with the completely messed up sleep pattern I have fallen into.

I talked with my brother earlier, he is in shock, that's the best way to describe it. He called to find out how much Tessa knew about the whole thing, he was a bit concerned that she had known about this before hand and didn't tell him..... Well for one she didn't, and for two, if she had it wasn't her place to say anything. I did say to my brother that if I saw him or anyone else in the family treating her like they did me with both my pregnancies, all in the name of "Concern and wanting what is best."  That there was going to be hell to pay..... (that's a story for another time.)

Anyway, this should be a interesting time for the family.

 

Well I think I'm going to take the dog around the complex a couple of time, and try to go back to sleep. Later in the morning I'm going to take the memory card from my phone and get  the pictures off of it, I can't down load them to the computer cause I don't know how, and I can't email them because I took the Internet off my phone in an attempt to try and save some money....I have some great pictures on there I would like to share including one of Tessa's new hair do, she cut about 6 inches off, it's short but looks really cute.

 

I just did a quick spell check...... MAN! I need to start giving myself spelling tests.... I can NOT spell, and I used to fancy myself a bit of a writer.....Yeah right. Who was I trying to kid? 

I just talked to Jenny, her and the baby are doing fine, it was scary at first because he had a knot in his umbilical cord but they got him out of there real quick with a C-section, and he is feeding and sleeping really well. My sister (who lives in Abbotsford) is going up to see them later. I wish I could go but that's a 2 hour round trip, by car...3 or 4 by bus. So I will wait until they come home and get settled.

It will do my soul good to hold a baby again.

Monday morning, for some reason I'm up.....Nothing really new there, but I will be hating it when I have to be up at 7:30 to get Tessa off to school, (or fight with her, it's a toss up....never know what's going to happen.)

Anyway.

About an hour ago I saw that I had messages on my house phone, it hadn't rang all day, this is also nothing new, my phone rarely rings any more so I didn't think anything of it. When I checked the messages I found out the ringer had been off......I don't remember doing that, like I said it rarely rings so I don't feel the need to turn it off.

Well, two of the messages were from my mother telling me she was coming over, which she did but I didn't believe her when she said she had called twice. Meh....My bad. The third message was from my friend Jenny letting me know she had her baby (#3) yesterday afternoon (Sunday). Mother and baby boy are doing well.

I hope to see them both soon.

Monday is coming......

And I might get a couple of hours to myself, well that is if Tessa decides to go to school......It's like because there is only a few more weeks and she is going to summer school, she is just blowing it off, I have done everything I can think of to get her to go every day but it's a battle, the only good thing I can say about all this is that she is still dong her homework. So that's something I guess.

I am going to start physio and the chiropractor in June and I have started to workout a little, just building strength, it's a slow go, again at least it's something..... It will be nice to feel strong again.....Physically anyway.

Maybe by the time I get in shape places will start hiring again. I can hope, hope is all I have right now.

Hope that I am doing the best I can with Tessa, Hope that I can find a job sooner than later.

 

Hope there is always hope. Right?

 

 

I put the computer in the t.v./storage/computer room.....Tessa isn't happy about that but my sister gave us this nice computer desk and cleaned out this room 2 months ago and the cats have used it more then we have....

I don't really have wireless and since we got the laptop we've been using the neighbor's they are OK with that but I have cable so I think we should use it, plus it will get Tessa off my couch.

She has been sleeping on it for a while now because she says her bed isn't comfortable, but I think that's only part of it....I think she does it in part because she knows it bugs the crap out of me.

Yeah we are having a battle of wills about a lot of things and I'm getting really tired of it.

Well it didn't last long, I took the dog  for a good walk and not 2 minutes after I got in Tessa and my mother waled in the door, Mum stayed for a few minutes and said she was going to Wal-Mart, because I was bored I asked to go with her, we walked around there for a bit looking for what she needed, she spotted some cute summer nighties and grabbed one for herself, I saw one I really liked and she bought it for me, it looks more like a summer dress than a night gown and she (mother) said  "You could wear it out."

 

Ummm, yeah, nooooo. It's cute but way to short for that.

 

Tessa said when I left the dog howled for me, she's never done that before, then when I got home she was so happy to see me she wouldn't stop licking my ankle and as I sit here typing she is laying at my feet.

The funny thing is I did not want this dog and for the first couple of month I didn't even really like her, and I was actually trying to find a good home for her but now I couldn't even think about that, I look at that face and just melt!

 Well, I think I should  go and  put my feet up.....I've over done the walking in the last few days.

The quiet! I love the quiet.

No T.V.

The radio on the station I like playing quietly in the background.

My mother has just come to get Tessa to help her clean her car......I hope it takes a while.....I know it sounds bad but I need a break from the kid.

Now I'm going to take the dog for a walk, it's BEAUTIFUL here today.

 It's just after one in the morning as I type this, and I am resisting the urge to take the dog for yet another walk. The last one (at 10pm) lasted for more then an hour, I just don't want to be in the house and if I am all I want to do is sleep.... When I woke up from my nap this afternoon I had to call Tessa in to help me sit up....Not a nice feeling. But once I got moving I didn't want to stop, I had to of course because my body hates me and gives out on me.

I would LOVE to have a bike like Demery was talking about in her comment, the rec center has them and when I can save enough for a pass I will use it a lot. I also have to save money to send Tessa to camp for the last week in August, I'm of two minds about that because of the way she has been lately I really don't feel like spending money I don't have, it feels like I'm rewarding her for bad behaviour, but then again I  NEED a break from her BECAUSE of the way she has been, and for some reason she's not going to my Mother's like she used too.....Although she is going there in the morning to help clean the car, maybe she will stay the night and I will get some breathing space.

Oh, by the way, I won a whole dollar from my lottery tickets. WOO. HOO. 13  people in Edmonton won the jack pot. I wish it was me!

When I took the dog for a walk, I ran into (not literally) one of my neighbours, and we got to talking about the biggest loser and what a shame it was as Canadians we couldn't apply to be on the show. I would love to do something like that with my brother, his youngest and Tessa because we are all pretty big and could stand to lose a good amount of weight, my neighbour asked me how much I wanted to lose and I said  I wanted to lose 100 lbs.....My neighbour said  "If you lost that, there would be nothing left of you!"  (AWWW! how sweet!) Then I told her how much I weigh now and she said , "Are you sure?" 

I said , "That's what my scale says, and according to the BMI chart if I lost 100 lbs I would be average for my height."

So anyway she told me that the Rec center her daughter works at is doing a biggest loser thing in the fall, (they are just finishing up one now so it's too late for me to join.)

I also told Rick about this and what the woman had said, he agreed with her he also thought 100 lbs was too much, he wants me to go for 80 or less, but on the BMI chart if I go for 80 that puts me in the over weight category on the low end but still over weight.....

 SO....

I'm going to join this thing in September and just do the best I can....Right now if I could lose even 10 lbs I'd be happy....I guess I should start by NOT eating Red Velvet cake huh? 

To Rick and told him how upset I was about the weekend, he tried to tell me it was because they were out in the bush and I have been having a hard time walking lately, plus he didn't take the camper he slept in the back of the truck, he thought that I would be too sore to enjoy myself..... To that I said  " What's the matter with putting in me a chair by the fire with a drink? I would have promised not to wonder too far, and I would have dealt with the stiff body." 

We went back and forth about a couple other excuses, finally he says, "For CHRIST SAKE CINDY! You have been sleepwalking, and I didn't want to deal with that in the woods."

 

Ummmm, yeah K. I understand that......

 

I felt bad for about 5 minutes, then my insecurity, loneliness or whatever took hold again and I said " Yeah your just tired of dealing with me all together, which I understand as well but you could have been honest with me and said you needed some time away...."

 

He said "Yeah, I would have said that IF that's how I felt, I just wanted to enjoy my rides and a good nights sleep and not worry about you walking off a cliff in your sleep."

 

Yeah, I still think it was a lame excuse because he has said I don't go far...... My "sleep walking " consists mostly of me sitting on the edge of my bed for a few minutes then laying down again, once or twice I walked to my bed room door but I didn't go out of it.

Yes I know if he had said he needed time away I would have been upset and possibly given him the silent treatment for a couple of days, But I would have understood, I KNOW I have been very needy and clingy, so yeah I wouldn't have liked it, but I would have gotten over it.

 

Now I'm going to check my lottery tickets, (49 million)

If I win I'm going to buy cottage on a beach somewhere warm and stare at the waves until my brains melt.

Have a sledge hammer?

So I can knock this wall of solidified emotional monkey crap down, or better yet just smash me over the head with it, and if I fall into a coma? GREAT! Just make sure I wake up in time for the concert. (in August)

Rick is doing fine physically......He may not be when I get done with him. Apparently this weekend also included the wives and girlfriends of the other guys, but did I get invited? No.

Do I believe that all the woman who went ride? No I don't.

Am I being overly sensitive? Maybe.

But I didn't really enjoy hearing about one of the guys proposing to his girlfriend on the trail, or how much fun it was giving another guy a hard time because he had to go pick up his girlfriend and bring her back to camp and he knew once she heard about it, she would be riding his ass about getting married....Oh I'm sure they all had GRAND time.......

 

I'm done, just fucking DONE!

I'm now worried sick about Rick I have left messages, and he hasn't called back...... I don't like this. All sorts of things are going through my head mostly I hope, I pray that he is alright, but along with the worry I am having alot of mistrust...... I really don't know why but it's there. If he doesn't call me tonight I am getting on the bus and going to his house, I don't care that it will take me over 2 hours to get there, I just can't do another sleepless night. I really  need for this year to be over....... I need to put 09 behind me and be done with it!!!!!

Well August 27th is something to look forward to.....I just hope I can get a spot reserved and people show up.

 

On the lighter side:

Yesterday I was cleaning off the mantel and a picture of Rick, his niece and I on her 19th birthday tipped over. I picked it up and as I dusted it I looked at it closer then I have in a long time, (the pic is 5 years old) at the time my hair was heavily streaked blonde, not bleach blonde but a nice honey blonde. I showed it to my sister (who lkes to play with my hair.) and told her if she feels the need to cover my grey again I would like it to look that again.....She thought it was a good idea, so I maybe a blonde soon. 

Well I think I should get to doing something other then playing on the computer....

Take care all.

Well today didn't go too badly, my sister came over early by herself and we had coffe and tea, then her and Tessa got to work. They uncovered a bee's nest in the ground close to the house....Kind of scary but we got it taken care of. My Mother showed up and the stress level rampt up a bit, she was here about a half hour or so and when she left the stress level went down. Tessa and my sister only got about half the yard done before it started to rain and rain hard!

 

I haven't heard from Rick and I'm starting to get worried, I really hope he's alright and I really wish he had taken his cell...

I don't really have alot to say, but tomorrow I should my sister and mother are coming over to work on my yard.......

It should be good for some blog filler, either that I will be curled up in my bed sucking my thumb. My mother and sister are good but when they are together they can be a handful to say the least. I watched a Disney movie tonight that had a bunch of animals in it, the dog went crazy through the whole thing, it was funny.

I went for a really long walk with the dog, it was a beautiful day.