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9月29日 ~682~ MondayIt's strange, I got an e-mail yesterday from a blog buddy saying that I had set my space to private...I hadn't I HAD set it to semi private as in my spaces friends and thier friends could get in....Now I have gone public again...We'll see how long that lasts, I just might go semi private again soon.
I have my regular 2 days off right now, and by God I'm taking them!
I told both Mothers don't bother calling me today or tomorrow because you "picked up an extra shift." Or your kid "won't listen to his teacher."
As I was typing that last paragraph, the phone rang and it was one of the Mothers....
She's a little ticked because not only am I taking these 2 days off I'm also not available on Wednesday and Thursday, (Cancer seminar, that has already been paid for.)
Ya know? I told them when I first agreed to take these kids on again they NEEDED to have back up.
They wouldn't need it that often but there would be times that it would be.
Like over the next 4 days:
lab for blood work.
Bank.
pre op Doc appointment.
2 day (all day) seminar in Downtown Vancouver.
Then Saturday is my Mother's Birthday dinner. Her birthday is actually on Thursday but we are having the big Family thing on Saturday, I haven't even THOUGHT about what to get her yet....
Then On the 7th another pre op Doc appointment.
Then the 10th is operation day.
THEN.
Everything is back to what passes for normal around here until MY 40th birthday dinner, that at this point I don't even know if it's going to happen.....
So yeah.
I really need to find deserted island. 9月28日 ~681~ SundaySo like the T-shirt I’m wearing says: “It’s all about me. Deal with it.” And honestly, if I lose some friends on here because they think I’m being self centered or whatever, so be it. I have to get this out and this is the only place I feel comfortable doing it.
I really don’t know how I’m going to do this, and by this I mean How the hell am I going to watch some one I love dearly die again..
The first one was April’s Mother; she was a second Mother to me and someone I could always talk too. She died of Advance Breast cancer….It was long and horrible and something I hoped to never see again.
Then it was my Father; I have written many times about my Dad and how much I miss him still to this day.
Now, now I get to watch the one true real friend I have or ever had, the one friend who has always been there, no matter what, die the same horrible way her Mother did.
I don’t know how I’m going to do it….I know I will….I just don’t know how.
I try to be positive and believe we are doing all we can to extend her life in the in the best possible way, but then I talk to her and she can’t breath very well and she’s telling me that her second and third opinion Doctors aren’t giving any more options then the first one did…It’s hard. It hurts. I want it to stop.
9月27日 ~680~ SaturdayThe pills are working, Tessa is feeling better. Her cough still sounds like a death rattle, but believe me it's an improvment!..... Now who wants to join me in a VAT of wine? 9月26日 UPDATETessa has deep inner ear infection that the first Doctor missed, and the reason she can't hear is because she has fluid in her ear....So New set of antibiotics. And we wait again.
I should add that the Doc said he has seen so many kids from her school (more then the usual "start of school rush") that he is going to have it looked into. ~679~ FridayTessa can barely hear out out of BOTH ears now headed to the Doctors, will update as soon as I can.
Good thoughts please. 9月25日 ~678~ ThursdayNot even a month into the school year and Tessa has yet to make it a whole week. A class here, a day there….For one reason or another school has been a battle for the last 5 years, then just when we get her to the point that she wants to go and there is no illness to stop her and she goes for a whole week straight. WHAM! She gets an ear infection that is more then likely going to take her hearing in her left ear. We are hoping, the infection was caught in time but it’s iffy…. So you can see life around here is still more of the same, just as we get used to and able to deal with one issue, another thing pops up…And we have to rework things again…Never a dull moment eh? 9月23日 ~677~ TuesdaySo here we are…And it’s Tuesday. I have come to the conclusion that people need to have a license to have children, I am so disgusted with the brat boys Mother that if I could afford it I would quit…… I know she’s a working Mother and has a lot on her plate….But MAN! Is her lack of involvement with her kid’s school frustrating. She makes sure they have all the things they need but when it comes to school or even Doctor’s appointments, she is more then happy to leave it up to someone else, and if no one else can do it for her she just doesn’t do it with the excuse, “I don’t have time I have to work and clean the house…When do I have time for ME?” Okay, fine the house has to be cleaned but, it can wait an hour or two while you help your kid with his homework and most doctors and dentists are open on Saturdays, so I find her excuse very selfish…. Mind you it’s not very hard to PISS me off these days, things are just not rolling off my back like they used too. Even Rick told me this morning that he really wants me to find someone (physiologist) to talk too. He stayed the night last night and got very little sleep because I was tossing and turning, he said I was talking in my sleep and at one point I even got up and moved things around my room, he said I did this for about 10 minutes and went back to bed, when I laid back down, Rick wrapped himself around me so I wouldn’t move anymore, but apparently that didn’t last long because I elbowed him. Yes, he had a rough day at work, he phoned me at lunch to tell me so and tell me about the razzing he got about his girl lunch..LOL! Well he should have looked in the bag BEFORE dumping it out on the table, (Keep in mind he works in constrution and is also the Forman.) I had packed him 2 huge chicken salad wrapes, fruit, veggies with dip and pink frosted animal crackers for desert. I told him he was lucky I didn't draw happy faces and hearts on the bag like I did for Tessa....LOL! Anyway... He also said the last time he saw me like this was when my Dad died…. The first thing out of my mouth of course is “Oh cool! If I was moving that much in my sleep that means my back is healing….It’s about time!” He just shook his head and said “Talk to your Doctor.” I won’t, I know what’s wrong and a counselor or physiologist isn’t going to help me, I have nothing against them I just know talking isn’t going to help me right now…Right now I need information, knowledge that’s what I need and I am doing that on my own.
9月21日 ~676~ SundayI did write a blog yesterday but it wouldn’t post, then I couldn’t get into my space. I gave up and went to bed and here I am again…Sunday morning waiting to see if I’m going to get the boys, the Uncle might not go into work so I just may have a Sunday off. First one in a long time… Anyway I didn’t have much to say yesterday, and I still don’t today… April and I were going to check out this organic health food store today but Tessa and the older boy both have wicked colds and I believe I am coming down with it, so April can’t be around us….Thankfully she is listening this time and is staying away, (if you remember last year when she was going through chemo, I told her Tessa had a cold and not to come over but she did anyway and got so sick she ended up in hospital.) She isn’t doing chemo yet I believe they are starting with radiation first this time and it will start soon…Not too sure I will have to ask her again. The name of the health food store tickled my funny bone and that’s why we are going to check it out…The name is “The Happy Nut House”….It just fits us, so hopefully it will be a good place for her to get what she needs. She has changed her diet drastically… So now every label is read, every morsel is organic, no sugar, no salt…No nothing that isn’t there naturally.... I’m glad she is being active in her own care, but part of me is ticked that she didn’t do all this the last time….. Now, there is no way of knowing if she did this all the last time if it would have helped any, but if you believe it’s going to help now, why didn’t you before?....Know what I mean? Anyway, it’s all part of a debate we are having about extending life verses quality of life. In a perfect world we both want extension AND quality but there comes a time when both aren’t possible. Just so you know I am firmly in the quality camp, but I understand and support whatever she wants to do.
As I was working on this, the boys showed up...So no day off for me...Oh well the extra money is always good. I hope everyone has a great Sunday. 9月18日 under I go againI am getting my eye fixed Oct.10th...I went to the eye Doc today and in less than an hour I had my eyes checked and a surgery date. When I had this operation 35 years ago I had to stay in the hospital at least over night, I might have stayed longer but I only remember staying one night, now it only takes 20 minutes. The funny thing is it was the same time of year back then, it was very close to my birthday and Holloween, I remember because I wasn't allowed to go trick or treating because I refused to take my antibiotics...LOL! I hope everyone has a GREAT Friday 9月17日 And on It to goesI'm taking the walker back today....I still kind of feel that I need it, but that is probably more of a fear thing than actual need thing....And at 40 dollars a month I can't afford to give into my fears...So back it goes. Taking the dog to the groomer to get her nails done. THAT will be oh so much fun! Talked to April last night, she is doing the best she can, but it is already getting hard for her to breath and she has started to cough when he talks for too long, but she is still up and moving, probably doing WAY too much but whatever works for her right? And honestly who am I to judge, I over do it ALL the time. On Oct.1st and 2nd April and I are going to a Cancer seminar for patiants and caregivers. There will be lots of information about treatments and diet, and other stuff. It should be interesting. Tessa went to rugby practice last night, she enjoys it so much. She felt a little strange about tackling the coach who is also her math teacher but she got over it soon enough. Well I'm off to do what I need to do...Even though all I want to do is go back to bed and read. Have a good day everyone 9月16日 How about...I share something nice?
Tessa has joined the community woman's rugby team....She will have her first game on the 28th
Everyone in the family is looking forward to going to watch her play, another cool thing is that the football team my brother coaches practices on the field right next to the rugby pitch on the same nights Tessa's team practices. That makes me feel good .....She will never get stranded at the park.
The 28th is also Rick's and my 25th anniversary, so what I would really like to do, IF I have the time is set up a good old fashioned tail-gate party.
I would like to thank everyone for their comments and support....It means more to me than I can say. 9月14日 can't think of a titleI'm in a very strange place right now, I'm tired and sore but I can't stop moving (doing busy work) can't sleep (up all night on the Internet) I'm angery, frustrated, depressed and then add in feeling of being totally and completely fucking useless....Yeah I'm not in a good place.You see my default position is problem solver, fixer, caregiver. It's what I do, its who I am!
But I can't fix this, and just being there for her just isn't good enough.
You know? About 6 years ago I had to come to terms with the fact that I wont have a long life span...Basically I am a walking stroke just waiting to happen, even with my meds I could throw a blood clot to my brain or heart at anytime.....I'm OK with that, my own death doesn't scare me. I just want to go in my sleep, or while having "headboard banging, mind blowing sex." And of course not until Tessa is out on her own.
This situation with April just isn't right or fair and I can't wrap my head around it. 9月12日 Well Hell....You know you're screwed when your GP cries when he sees you.......That's what happened to April today when she saw our regular Doc earlier today, she asked about clinical trials, he says "Hey, you have nothing to lose, go for it."
Everything I have read basically says if you are diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye....
I can't tell you how surreal this is right now, I spent 2 days crying and researching .....Now I'm a little numb, not completely but a little bit.
You know, I honestly believed she'd be the one to plan my funeral not the other way around.
To be honest I'm a little pissed about that. Well 2I have been in research mode......There is no cure for Advanced stage 4 Breast Cancer any treatment may extend life 1 to 2 years a very small percentage survive 5.
I am looking into clinical trials and support groups......And doing whatever I can to help her......What would you do when your best friend of 25 years looks at you and begs you...."Help me live! I'm not ready yet!"
They already have her on some pretty heavy pain meds that barely touch her pain...I know what will and I'm looking into getting her some...because apparently the medical grade stuff doesn't work. Judge me if you will, I WILL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO HELP HER LIVE AS PAIN FREE AS POSSIBLE FOR AS LONG AS POSSABLE.... No matter what it is.
CANCER SUCKS MONKEY ASS!!!!!!!!!
~In other news~
Brat boy, has had 2 great days at school.....The Mother and teacher's were coming up with all these deep reasons as to why he was doing this.....Some of which might have had a little to do with it in the beginning, but really weren't the main issue and no one seemed to take into account. That because he was allowed to get away with all this crap for so long he was behind in his work and being asked every morning to have his completed homework out on his desk ready to marked..So of course he was doing all he could do to distract everyone from the fact he hadn't done it. I took a couple of hours after school for a couple of days and helped him catch up.....It has made a BIG difference.
I still expect a call here and there, but at least I don't have to stay at the school now. 9月10日 Well...The other day I was angery and frustrated with my friend April because she was being more and more flighty and how I was needing some distance.....
Be careful what you ask for you...You just might get it....
She phoned me late yesterday afternoon, she had just gotten back from the Doctors....The cancer is back.
She now has Advanced breast cancer that has spread to her lungs, chest wall and abdomen.....It is in-operable, there is no cure for her.
They are still going to do chemo and radiation.....More to relieve her pain and maybe give her a little more time.....A little more then what, we don't know they didn't give her a time frame. All we really know at this point is, that any they give her now is palliative......
No matter how much her behaviour drove me crazy and frustrated me, and I'm sure still will until the day she dies or croaks as she says.....Really that's what she said a few times while we were talking....
"I want to do THIS before I croak.."
I want to do THAT before I croak..."
She said it so often I finally said "Stop saying that please."
You know what she sad to me? She says, "No. I can say it all I want." And over the phone you could just hear her sticking her tongue out ....lol.
Yes, even with this horrible thing happening we can still make each other laugh.
Anyway. like I said . No matter how much her behaviour drove me crazy and frustrated me, I still would have been there for her....And I will be there every day for the rest of her life.
I hope with every fibre in my body, there are many more then we are hoping for, but I fear there won't be enough.
I am sick at the thought of how much pain she will be in and there is nothing I can do to help that.
I know what she needs and the only thing I CAN do for her is be there for her.
Time to stop rambling.......And try to sleep. 9月9日 ~669~ yesterday......I have been doing OK with just taking a couple of T3's, but yesterday around 9 am I had to take a couple of muscle relaxers, my back was very tight...The point is I took 2 and it ZONKED me out, well more like full body stoned me, I wasn't really sleeping, I could hear the phone and I could hear people knocking on my door...I just couldn't care enough to put the effort into moving...So sue me it was my day off or so I thought. Around the 4th time someone knocked I decided to get up and let the dog out, I still didn't answer the door but I did check messages....DUMB ASS move on on my part! Because there went 1 and half days off. No I couldn't say no, because I'm really the only one that can look after the boy... Anyway I went and got the brat boy, by the way this is the 9 year old I look after. The school just couldn't/wouldn't deal with him anymore...Oh before I get too far I would like to say that I HATE this school with a flaming purple passion and I firmly believe that this is where they send the teachers one else will take, I have never met a more lazy uncaring bunch in my life, All they want is to have over medicated zombies so they don't have to deal with any real issues...Funny thing is, this is now the 2nd year in a row that I have made a teacher quit or transfer within the first week of the year. They really don't like it when someone with no formal training comes in and can point out very clearly what they are doing wrong and how to fix it, and then very loudly questions their skills and parentage when they say "Oh we can't do that."....Honestly don't mess with me when it comes to my kids and what's best for them, I am smarter then I appear and more stubborn then a mule, and unlike these teachers I am willing to put the effort in. *End of rant* The boy is refusing to behave or participate at school. His reasons? He thinks french class is stupid. He hasn't had breakfast, he has refused to eat it or wasted so much time watching T.V. he doesn't have time before he has to leave. He hasn't had lunch for a week, his lunch gets made for him, he just hasn't taken it He Doesn't like the classroom he's in, it's the same one he was in last year, and is too far from the front or too close depending on when you ask him. No, he isn't being bullied, he has lots of friends in class. Yes, he likes his teacher, or so he says. The teacher even tried to accommodate him by saying he didn't have to take French and they would try and put him in another class...Nope wasn't good enough for him. Every time he is busted for an excuse (lie), he came up with something else. There isn't an issue of him being left out at home anymore, because since his meltdown this summer his Mother, Step-Father and I have been very careful about that. What it boils down to is that he is a little control freak who is very used to getting his own way. Now he's throwing temper-tantrums because it's not working. He has always gotten his way by standing stalk still, blinking and refusing to move or speak and if that doesn't work he will make himself cry. When he saw me walk into the school today, he tried to hide and when the teacher asked him why he was so scared of me (lord love a duck!) He said "I have to go to her house, not mine and I won't be able to play my PS2." Then the teacher says "Oh I think you should let him play his game for a little while so he can relax." Oh hell no! I will not reward him for bad behaviour. Now, even after writing a butt load of lines, an hour long lecture from not one but three different people, (and I have to tell you Tessa's was the best, my little grasshopper has learned well. *Chest puffed with pride*). The brat boy is still refusing to go to school and behave. So now I have to go to school with him and stay there for the next I don't know how long, and make sure he does what he needs to do. 9月8日 ~668~ AutunmFeeling the need for a road trip again.... I'm really feeling the need for a road trip. I used to love it when my Dad would show up at my house and say, "Pack a bag, your coming with me." I would throw a few things in a bag, and a few more things when I had my daughter...lol! And off we would go. The drive to Prince George from Surrey should take anywhere from 4 to 6 hours depending on who's driving and how many stops you make. I really don't know because I don't drive and my dear Father always made the trip last 10 to 12 hours! We would always take the long way around, stopping in every small town or map dot along the way basically every time we ran out of "Timbits" doughnut holes for those of you from the US. We must have eaten thousands of those things and never got sick of them. Too bad I recently lost my taste for them....meh that's another story. My favorite time of year to road trip is in the fall. I love BC in the fall , it's all red , gold , green and yellow with cool clear nights and the faint homey smell of wood smoke drifting on the air even in the city. I would love to just pack a bag and hop in the passenger seat with a decant driver and just go! 9月7日 ~677~ SundayWell it’s Sunday, and I now have 2 days off…It will be nice. Still really pissed about yesterday, I just don’t know how to deal with April’s behavior in a positive helpful manner, Jaysay had some good advice and I will try it, at the moment I don’t see it working too well, but I have to do something. She is already pissed with me because I have decided if I can find a place I can afford, I am moving to either Aldergrove or Abbotsford. Both places are almost 2 hours away. The other day Jenny, one of the many kids I have looked after over the years…She is grown now with a 12 year old and a 2 year old and has just informed me that she has one more on the way…Since she had Jaelyn, we jokingly call her my baby-momma because I get to have the benefits of having little ones around without the big belly and swollen ankles, (although I LOVED my baby belly, and showed it off long before it was popular to do so.) Anyway…. She will be in desperate need of affordable, full time daycare for 2 small children when the time comes, (about 18 to 20 months from now counting in gestation and Mat leave.) And you know it will be very hard to find that…Along with Dentist, Vets, and Plumbers, Childcare providers pretty much have a license to print money. If we can find me a place it will be the opportunity I have been looking for…And that is to get the distance I need. When I first told April about it she got all pouty about it and said “What about me.” So anyway, I’m hoping I can find something out there
~676~ Have you ever....Wanted to bitch-slap, curb-stomp and shake someone so hard that their teeth rattle? I have. Today as a matter of fact. This is how my Saturday went; Got the boys early as usual, did the breakfast thing and then my friend April picked Tessa and Ami up for a pug meet and greet at Buntzen Lake. Then boys and I went to the store for water, milk and something interesting for lunch, all is good and I was just about to start cooking lunch, and I get a phone call... Me: Hello? April: Tessa and I have a problem. Me: What? April: I ran out of gas, call Rick for me please. Me: First off THAT was smart(NOT) and second I can't call Rick, he's at work in North Van (about 2 hours without traffic from where she is.) Then I say call Ken (her hubby). April: He's not home, I can't get a hold of him. Which I find out later was a big fat lie. Then I proceed to phone every person I know including Rick...Hey my kid was stranded anything is worth a shot right? No one is answering thier phones, well OK I only had to make 4 calls before I got a hold of someone, bonus that as soon as I said Tessa was stranded she (the Mother of the 9yr old I look after.) said "OK let's go." Now here is the first thing that made me want to shake April. Before she called me she called a tow truck to bring her a Jerry Can of gas, but because the guy was a little snarky with her, she hung up without cancelling the order and because cell reception is iffy by the lake the guy didn't realise she had in fact HUNG UP on him so he sent a truck out...And April refused to call them back because the guy was "rude." When Lisa and I get there we actually pass the tow truck (waiting by the wrong white SUV.) We pick up April and start the 20 minute drive to the nearest gas station we pass the tow truck again, Lisa decides to stop and ask if the driver had a can of gas on board and yes they did because this was the truck sent out for April...And also BECAUSE this was the truck sent out, it ended up costing $75 dollars to have the driver fill April's tank with $15 dollars worth of gas, Which by the way Lisa paid for with her credit card. Then when I asked April: Why, if she knew she was going to such a remote area she didn't have cash on her? Why didn't she pack food or water or ask me to do it before they left? Or finally...WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SHE GAS UP?!?! You know what her answer was? "I didn't think." Let me tell you I wanted beat her to a pulp....I mean REALLY! How the HELL do you NOT think about fuel? There is a gauge right in front you on the dashboard, I know I don't drive but even I know when the needle is BELOW the E it's time to get gas. (and no the gauge isn't broken.) GAWW! What as made me even angrier is that I couldn't even tell her how angery I was, because she was already stressed out, and not because she had been so irresponsible, oh no! She was stressed out because her husband was going to yell at her...Plus instead of buying water she bought 6 cans of pop and was buzzing on sugar..So I knew that if I had gotten mad at her she would have shut down then do something stupid (again) while she was driving. Honestly, I love her to death....But her refusal to grow up is going to kill me! Yes, she is a good friend and helps me (if she can) when I need it. The messes I have to bail her out of are getting bigger and bigger, I will always do it. But you know what? I'm getting really worried about what will happen the next time. I just know that if she doesn't smarten up or get professional help VERY soon, her husband will leave her....I'm not going to get into it, but let's just say he puts up with a HELL of a lot! Any other man or friend for that matter would have washed thier hands of her a long time ago. It really is getting that bad. When he does finally get fed up...It will be me who picks up the pieces, it will be me who will have to move out of the place I'm in now so that I can find a place big enough for her to have own room because she has no where else to go. 9月4日 ~675~ Playing on my phoneI'm just trying to learn to text faster, this is kind of fun! Tessa is on the puter and I can check on my friends without the fight. I love my phone! |
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