Well I’m off to bed, after Grey’s Anatomy and one more cup of coffee.

I need to get up at 6 am, have a quick shower, NOT have coffee, (that is going to suck monkey butt.) get in a car with my Mother and drive for I don’t know how long and find a hospital we’ve never been to, and go through what I stated in my last entry.

Then I get to look after (with a lot of help from Tessa.) Look after the boys…Oh don’t look at me like that!

There is no one else to look after these boys, I’m sure if they tried harder the Mother’s could find someone but it ALWAYS turns into a nightmare and it takes me a week or more to fix the damage.

These boys don't handle change well, so I'm picking the shorter duration of stress.

It has taken me over a hour to to type this, watching T.V. and typing is not easy..LOL! 

Good night, see ya when I get back.

Well it’s just 2 more sleeps until I go under again…

I’m just going to cut and paste the comment I posted on Momma’s space, to explain what is going to happen Friday;

~The operation is going to be real easy, get to the hospital at an ungodly hour of the morning wait around for any where from 1 to 3 hours, get to take a deep nap for 20 minutes, get rudely awoken from said nap, with an itchy eye to fight with a nurse who wants me to stay for another 2 hours until I’m “fully” awake and doesn’t believe that BECAUSE she has woken me up and irritated the HELL out of me, I AM “fully” awake and will be going home as soon as my ride shows up...And said ride (if they know what’s good for them.) will be there before I finish getting my shoes on.

I think I have said before, I don’t wake up from general anastia (sp?) very happy or nice.

Good thing though...

There will be no bruising, bandages or patches. Just some redness and a stitch inside my eye that will dissolve in 4 to 6 weeks.

And since I can’t see out of the eye they are operating on anyway, I will probably be able to give an update later in the day Friday. ~

So far Tessa hasn’t from any of the places she put her resume in…But it’s only been 2 days, I won’t panic just yet…

Even though I truly appreciate prayers, well wishes and good thoughts concerning my operation, could you PLEASE say them for Tessa’s job search?

Thank you!

Have a great night

~PS~

Even though this operation is considered non invasive, I am under orders to rest for five days , (yeah like THAT will happen!)  to let the stitch take. So it looks like I might miss (Canadian) Thanksgiving (Monday the 13th) ....Second year in a row...That SUCKS!

I want to go here or here both places would do my soul a world of good. Another place would be here  I found that last one through my blog buddy Kat ; she went there this weekend and had a wonderful time. We are both very lucky to live in places that allow us to “Get away” to another place and time in our own back yards.

Yes, I want to run away, run away from the responsibility, uncertainty, and ugliness that is in my life right now, even if it’s only for a couple of days.

I want to fall asleep to the sounds of water or the forest in a big comfy bed and have guilt free meals served to me in bed or on a private deck over looking the water…

Yes, I know that everything will still be there when I get back, but I REALLY NEED the recharge…

If you haven’t done so already take a look over my posts over the past month or so and you will understand.

I don’t mean to sound negative but… The sad thing is, there is nothing I can do to change anything that is going on, I just have to ride it out and hope I make it to the other side in one piece.  

Even knowing my best friend won’t be there with me.

Waking up at 6:30 am on a Sunday is bad just plain bad….

At least I don’t have to watch the boys today, their Mother has the flu so she’s not going to her other job….So that’s good, for me not her.

Hopefully I can actually get some things done around the house today…Don’t know, I’ll see how I feel after I go to the store and get water. The idea of just coming back home and crawling back under my covers is very appealing.

Mum’s birthday dinner last night was good, not as loud and boisterous as usual but good, my sister ended up paying for Tessa, April and I. That was nice.

I also found out that I’m am having a “Surprise” party for my birthday….Ahh yeah, sounds all sweet and fun….It’s not.

And why the person told me about it I don’t know, (or rather I don’t believe the reason they gave.) but I do know the reason behind doing the party instead of what I wanted to do, and I don’t like it.

So I’m just going to let everyone off the hook and cancel the whole thing.

I not feeling sorry for my self or anything like that…It’s just how things are, I’m sure I’ll end up having a nice day anyway….

So like the T-shirt I’m wearing says: “It’s all about me. Deal with it.”

And honestly, if I lose some friends on here because they think I’m being self centered or whatever, so be it.

I have to get this out and this is the only place I feel comfortable doing it.

I really don’t know how I’m going to do this, and by this I mean How the hell am I going to watch some one I love dearly die again..

The first one was April’s Mother; she was a second Mother to me and someone I could always talk too. She died of Advance Breast cancer….It was long and horrible and something I hoped to never see again.

Then it was my Father; I have written many times about my Dad and how much I miss him still to this day.

Now, now I get to watch the one true real friend I have or ever had, the one friend who has always been there, no matter what, die the same horrible way her Mother did.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it….I know I will….I just don’t know how.

I try to be positive and believe we are doing all we can to extend her life in the in the best possible way, but then I talk to her and she can’t breath very well and she’s telling me that her second and third opinion Doctors aren’t giving any more options then the first one did…It’s hard. It hurts. I want it to stop.

Not even a month into the school year and Tessa has yet to make it a whole week. A class here, a day there….For one reason or another school has been a battle for the last 5 years, then just when we get her to the point that she wants to go and there is no illness to stop her and she goes for a whole week straight.

WHAM!

She gets an ear infection that is more then likely going to take her hearing in her left ear.

We are hoping, the infection was caught in time but it’s iffy….

So you can see life around here is still more of the same, just as we get used to and able to deal with one issue, another thing pops up…And we have to rework things again…Never a dull moment eh?

So here we are…And it’s Tuesday.

I have come to the conclusion that people need to have a license to have children, I am so disgusted with the brat boys Mother that if I could afford it I would quit……

I know she’s a working Mother and has a lot on her plate….But MAN! Is her lack of involvement with her kid’s school frustrating.

She makes sure they have all the things they need but when it comes to school or even Doctor’s appointments, she is more then happy to leave it up to someone else, and if no one else can do it for her she just doesn’t do it with the excuse,

“I don’t have time I have to work and clean the house…When do I have time for ME?”

Okay, fine the house has to be cleaned but, it can wait an hour or two while you help your kid with his homework and most doctors and dentists are open on Saturdays, so I find her excuse very selfish….

Mind you it’s not very hard to PISS me off these days, things are just not rolling off my back like they used too.

Even Rick told me this morning that he really wants me to find someone (physiologist) to talk too.

He stayed the night last night and got very little sleep because I was tossing and turning, he said I was talking in my sleep and at one point I even got up and moved things around my room, he said I did this for about 10 minutes and went back to bed, when I laid back down, Rick wrapped himself around me so I wouldn’t move anymore, but apparently that didn’t last long because I elbowed him.

Yes, he had a rough day at work, he phoned me at lunch to tell me so and tell me about the razzing he got about his girl lunch..LOL! Well he should have looked in the bag BEFORE dumping it out on the table, (Keep in mind he works in constrution and is also the Forman.)  I had packed him 2 huge chicken salad wrapes, fruit, veggies with dip and pink frosted animal crackers for desert. I told him he was lucky I didn't draw happy faces and hearts on the bag like I did for Tessa....LOL!

Anyway...

He also said the last time he saw me like this was when my Dad died….

The first thing out of my mouth of course is “Oh cool! If I was moving that much in my sleep that means my back is healing….It’s about time!”

He just shook his head and said “Talk to your Doctor.”

I won’t, I know what’s wrong and a counselor or physiologist isn’t going to help me, I have nothing against them I just know talking isn’t going to help me right now…Right now I need information, knowledge that’s what I need and I am doing that on my own.                                          

I did write a blog yesterday but it wouldn’t post, then I couldn’t get into my space. I gave up and went to bed and here I am again…Sunday morning waiting to see if I’m going to get the boys, the Uncle might not go into work so I just may have a Sunday off. First one in a long time…

Anyway I didn’t have much to say yesterday, and I still don’t today…

April and I were going to check out this organic health food store today but Tessa and the older boy both have wicked colds and I believe I am coming down with it, so April can’t be around us….Thankfully she is listening this time and is staying away, (if you remember last year when she was going through chemo, I told her Tessa had a cold and not to come over but she did anyway and got so sick she ended up in hospital.)

She isn’t doing chemo yet I believe they are starting with radiation first this time and it will start soon…Not too sure I will have to ask her again.

The name of the health food store tickled my funny bone and that’s why we are going to check it out…The name is “The Happy Nut House”….It just fits us, so hopefully it will be a good place for her to get what she needs.

She has changed her diet drastically… So now every label is read, every morsel is organic, no sugar, no salt…No nothing that isn’t there naturally....

I’m glad she is being active in her own care, but part of me is ticked that she didn’t do all this the last time….. Now, there is no way of knowing if she did this all the last time if it would have helped any, but if you believe it’s going to help now, why didn’t you before?....Know what I mean?

Anyway, it’s all part of a debate we are having about extending life verses quality of life.

In a perfect world we both want extension AND quality but there comes a time when both aren’t possible.

Just so you know I am firmly in the quality camp, but I understand and support whatever she wants to do.

 As I was working on this, the boys showed up...So no day off for me...Oh well the extra money is always good.

I hope everyone has a great Sunday.

I hope everyone has a GREAT Friday